Welcome to the Muslim Marriage Handbook
In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.
Marriage in Islam is intended to cater to multiple purposes which include, above all, spiritual tranquility and peace, and cooperation and partnership in fulfilling the divine mandate. Islam – being a natural way of life – takes into account all of genuine human instincts such as physical, spiritual, intellectual, emotional, et cetera.
Although fulfilling one’s physical needs in a decent manner is one of the main purposes of marriage, it is not the sole one. According to the clear statement of the Qur’an, tranquility and peace through a successful union is considered the primary objective of marriage: (Among His signs is that He created for you spouses of your own kind in order that you may repose to them in tranquility and He instilled in your hearts love and affection for one another; verily, in these are signs for those who reflect (on the nature of the reality).) (Ar-Rum 30: 21).
In another place, Allah refers to the relationship between males and females in terms of partnership for achieving goodness and fulfilling the divine mandate for their lives. (The believers, males and females, are partners of one another; they shall jointly enjoin all that is good and counsel against all that is evil.) (At-Tawbah 9:71)
Please read the following articles. Taking the necessary steps mentioned in these articles will result in a blissful marriage Insha’Allah.
1. Ways to Find the Right Spouse
2. What to Look for in a Spouse
3. Duas to Find the Right Spouse
4. Premarital Questions to Ask Each Other
5. How to do Istikhara
7. Ceremonies
8. Manners on wedding night
9. Spousal Rights and Duties
10. How to Resolve Conflicts
We are continuously updating our website, so please visit us again
Jazak Allah Khairan
WAYS TO FIND THE RIGHT SPOUSE
May Allah Almighty help us all adhere to the principles of Islam, and enable us to be among the dwellers of Paradise in the Hereafter! Also, we implore Him to help you find a God-fearing life partner who will assist you in leading a righteous marital life.
Following are some ways one can find a suitable life partner in North America
1. You may attend various Islamic gatherings at Islamic centers or in masjid and you may engage in business like conversation with the members of the opposite sex, without being isolated with them.
2. You may also make use of brothers and sisters who may introduce you to prospective candidates and talk to them under supervision.
3. You may do some kind of correspondence with candidates who have advertised their names in the Islamic magazines.
In the time of the Sahabah (Prophet’s Companions), they used to meet people sometimes in the presence of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), and sometimes in other circumstances. For instance, on a number of occasions women used to come offering themselves as candidates for marriage. Accordingly, some men would accept to get married to them. This shows that the Sahabah were very simple and undemanding about choosing their partners so long as they had the basic religious and character requirements. In this society, generally speaking, we tend to put so many conditions and requirements that are not essentials from an Islamic perspective. In Islam, the basic thing we should consider in marriage is religion and character. All other requirements we can compromise.
The Companions also used to make other people introduce them to possible candidates. They would see each other and occasionally talk with them in order to determine their eligibility for marriage.
In conclusion, you may choose any of the methods in order to find prospective candidates. Once you have chosen some, you may inquire about them from people who are reliable and trustworthy in order to determine their illegibility and integrity. You are allowed to ask about their past in order to find out the essential points reflecting their character. If a person has a bad past and he or she has changed and improved his or her life Islamically after having repented their sins, you are allowed to marry them. In this case you are not allowed to nag them about their past after marriage.
CHARACTERISTICS TO LOOK FOR IN A SPOUSE
The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, taught us in many Hadiths about the various characteristics which one looks for in a spouse, their relative importance, and which ones determine success, and bring Allah’s blessing on a marriage, insha’ Allah. Among those Hadiths are the following:
Abu Hurayrah, may Allah be pleased with him quotes the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, as saying, “A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman; (otherwise) you will be a loser.” (Reported by Al-Bukhari)
Accordingly, the most important characteristics that one should look for in a spouse are:
1. Religion
In the above Hadith, the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, mentioned various characteristics that people, by their nature and custom, look for in a spouse. He did not advocate any of them, but merely stated them as facts of human nature except for the issue of “religion”, i.e., a prospective spouse’s piety and religiousness. About this characteristic, the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “So you should marry the religious woman; (otherwise) you will be a loser.” This order is quite different from the general statement at the beginning of the above-mentioned Hadith.
We must be careful not to be superficial in this issue. The mere wearing of Hijab or keeping a beard and praying in the Masjid, as routine compliance with requirements of piety, do not by themselves guarantee it. There are many people who at first glance appear to be abiding by Islam, but upon closer inspection have a twisted understanding of Islam and their practice in reality may leave much to be desired. ‘Umar, may Allah be pleased with him, once told someone who had testified to the goodness of a person by the fact that he had seen him in the Masjid that he did not know him as long as he had no dealings with him that involved money, did not live with him, and did not travel with him.
The characteristic of piety applies to the groom just as much as to the bride. This should be the main focus of both the woman’s guardian and suitor. In this context, the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “If someone with whose piety and character you are satisfied comes to you, then marry him. If you do not do so, there will be disorder in the earth and a great deal of evil.” (Reported by At-Tirmidhi and others and classed as Hasan)
2. Character and Behavior
In the above Hadith addressed to guardians and parents, the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, commanded them to facilitate their marriage when they are satisfied with two issues: the faith of the suitor and his character.
Character is of extreme importance in Islam and goes hand in hand with faith and piety. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, has even described it as the purpose of his mission to mankind as we can see in the following Hadiths:
“I have only been sent to complete good character.” (Reported by Al-Hakim and others and classed as Sahih)
“I am a guarantor of a house in the highest degree of Paradise for one who makes his character good.” (Reported by Abu Dawud and it is Hasan)
Allah establishes the relation of this issue to marriage, saying:
“Bad women are for bad men and bad men are for bad women. And good women are for good men and good men are for good women.” (An-Nur: 26)
One of the important issues of character in the spouses is the quality of Wudd. This means kindness, lovingness and compassion. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Marry the loving/friendly, the child-bearing woman, for I shall outstrip the other nations with your numbers on the Day of Judgment.” (Reported by Ahmad, Abu Dawud, and others and classed as Sahih)
3. Child-Bearing
As we see in the above-mentioned Hadith, the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, recommended men to marry women who are child-bearing. This characteristic is related to some of the goals and purposes of marriage that were mentioned earlier such as procreating the Muslim Ummah, raising a pious family as a cornerstone of society and so forth.
4. Virginity
There are many Hadiths which recommend that a man must marry a virgin woman; such as the following:
”Marry virgins for they have sweeter mouths, more productive wombs, and are contented with little they get.” (Reported by At-Tabarani and it is Hasan)
Other narrations indicate that a virgin is more likely to be pleased by a man and less likely to be devious and deceiving. Once, when Jabir married an older and previously married woman, the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said to him, “Why not a virgin? You could have played with her and she with you.”
Muslim scholars stress that this good attribute applies to man just as it applies to woman. ‘Umar ibn Al-Khattab, may Allah be pleased with him, once heard about a woman who was married to an elderly man and he said: “O people, fear Allah and let people marry their types.”
5. Beauty
This characteristic has a certain role to play since one of the purposes of marriage is to keep both spouses from sins. The best way to do this is to have a strong attraction between spouses. Although this is something which surely grows over time, initial impressions can in some cases become an obstacle to a successful marriage. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, separated Qays ibn Shamas from his wife in the famous case of Khul‘ and her stated reason was that he was exceedingly displeasing to her. There are many Hadiths which urge the prospective spouse to get a look at the other before undertaking the marriage. Once a Companion told the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, that he was going to get married. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, asked if he had seen her. When the man answered in negative, he, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Go and look at her for it is more likely to engender love between the two of you.” (Reported by Ahmad and others and it is Sahih)
Ibn ‘Abidin, a famous Muslim jurist, said, “The woman should choose a man who is religious, of good character, generous and of ample wealth. She should not marry an evildoer. A person should not marry his young daughter to an old or an ugly man, but he should marry her to one similar.”
Beauty has its role, but remember that it is way down on the priority list under piety, character and religion. When a person puts beauty above all else, the consequences can be disastrous. This is one of the main reasons that young people seeking to get married must be helped by more mature family members in making their choice.
Based on the course “Family Law I” offered by the American Open University
Elaborating on what one should look for in a partner, the late Sheikh Sayyed Ad-Darsh, former Chairman of the UK Shari‘ah Council, adds:
“The age difference between potential partners should not be too great. It is not fair to give a young girl to a man who is twenty or thirty years her senior. If she, for one reason or another, accepts - or if he accepts, then it is their choice. But they should be aware of the future of their relationship and the implications of such a marriage. A gray-haired man once passed by a young black-haired girl and he proposed to her. She looked at him and said, ‘I accept, but there is a snag.’ He enquired what it was, to which she answered, ‘I have some gray hair.’ The man passed on without a word. She called out. ‘My uncle, look at my hair!’ She had hair as black as coal. He said to her, ‘Why did you say that?’ She answered, ‘To let you know that we do not like in men what they do not like in women.’ Marriage is not for fun or experience. It is a life-long relationship. For that reason, any factor detrimental to the relationship should be avoided as much as is possible.
Highly educated males and females should seek partners with a similar educational background. Cultural and family background is very important. Common language is an essential way of communicating. Such things help the two partners to understand, communicate and relate to one another and are factors of stability and success - as are financial independence and the ability to provide a decent acceptable level of maintenance. Again, this is a way of ensuring that outside influences do not spoil an otherwise happy life. All ways and means should be considered, giving a solid basis for a new human experience which is expected to provide a framework for a happy, successful and amicable life.
The questions of common language, background, education and age, etc., are meant, in an ordinary stable context, to maximize the chances of success and stability in a very important Islamic institution, that of marriage. However, considering the particular position of Muslim communities living in minority situations, young Muslims, male and female, are exposed to all sorts of challenges - be they cultural, linguistic, racial or social.
The most fundamental question when choosing a partner is a religious one- As far as language, background, or social position are concerned, these are not significant factors that absolutely must be fulfilled before a marriage can take place. If the prospective partner is of good character, with a strong religious inclination, and the two young people are happy and feel compatible with one another, other considerations are not of such importance.
DUAS FOR FINDING A GOOD SPOUSE
Rabbi inni lima anzalta ilayya min kharyin faqeer.
(My Lord, I am ever needful of any favor that You may send my way.)
Allahumma, rahmataka arju fala takilni ila nafsi tarafata ‘aynin wa aslih li sha’ni kullahu.
(O Allah, I beseech Your mercy, so do not abandon me to my own devices even for an instant; and straighten all of my affairs for me.)
Allahumma aghnini bi halalika ‘an haramika wa bi ta‘atika ‘an ma‘siyatika wa bi fadlika ‘amman siwaka
(O Allah, make me self-sufficient with what You have declared as halal for me so that I am not compelled to resort to that which is haram; and make me self-sufficient with Your obedience so that I am not compelled to disobey You; and make me self-sufficient with Your favor so that I do not need to look to others for favor.)
PRE - MARITAL QUESTIONARE
1. What is your concept of marriage?
2. Have you ever been married before?
3. Are you married now?
4. What are your expectations of marriage?
5. What are your goals in life? Long term and short term plans.
6. Identify three things that you want to accomplish in the near future.
7. Identify three things that you want to accomplish, long-term.
8. Why are you choosing me as your potential spouse?
9. What is the role of religion in your life now?
10. Are you a spiritual person?
11. What is your understanding of an Islamic marriage?
12. What are you expecting of your spouse, religiously?
13. What is your relationship between yourself and the Muslim community in your area?
14. Are you volunteering in any Islamic activities?
15. What can you offer your mate, spiritually?
16. What is the role of a husband?
17. What is the role of a wife?
18. Do you want to practice polygamy?
19. What is your relationship with your family?
20. What do you expect your relationship to be like with the family of your spouse?
21. What do you expect the relationship between your spouse and your family to be like?
22. Is there anyone in your family that lives with you now?
23. Are you planning to have anyone in your family live with you in the future?
24. If for any reason my relationship with your family turns sour, what should be done?
25. Who are your friends? Identify at least three.
26. How did you get to know them?
27. Why are they your friends?
28. What do you like most about them?
29. What will your relationship with them be like after marriage?
30. Do you have friends from the opposite sex?
31. What is the level of your relationship with them – now?
32. What will be the level of your relationship with them after marriage?
33. What type of relationship do you want your spouse to have with your friends?
34. What are the things that you do in your free time?
35. Do you like to have guests in your home for entertainment?
36. What are you expecting from your spouse when your friends come to the house?
37. What is your opinion of speaking other languages in the home that I do not understand? With friends? With family?
38. Do you travel?
39. How do you spend your vacations?
40. How do you think your spouse should spend vacations?
41. Do you read?
42. What do you read?
43. After marriage, do you think that you are one to express romantic feelings verbally?
44. After marriage, do you think that you want to express affection in public?
45. How do you express your admiration for someone that you know - now?
46. How do you express your feelings to someone who has done a favor for you?
47. Do you like to write your feelings?
48. If you wrong someone, how do you apologize?
49. If someone has wronged you, how do you want them to apologize to you?
50. How much time passes before you choose to forgive someone?
51. How do you make important and less important decisions in your life?
52. Do you use foul language at home? In public? With your family?
53. Do your friends use foul language?
54. Does your family use foul language?
55. How do you express anger?
56. How do you expect your spouse to express anger?
57. What do you do when you are angry?
58. When do you think it is appropriate to initiate mediation in a marriage?
59. When there is a dispute in your marriage, religious or not, how should the conflict be resolved?
60. Define mental, verbal, emotional, and physical abuse.
61. What would you do if you felt that you had been abused?
62. Who would you call for assistance if you were being abused?
63. Do you suffer from any chronic disease or condition?
64. Are you willing to take a physical exam by a physician, before marriage?
65. What is your understanding of proper health and nutrition?
66. How do you support your own health and nutrition?
67. What is your definition of wealth?
68. How do you spend your money?
69. How do you save your money?
70. How do you think that your use of money will change after marriage?
71. Do you have any debts now? If so, how are you making progress to eliminate the debt?
72. Do you use credit cards?
73. Do you support the idea of taking loans to buy a home?
74. What are you expecting from your spouse financially?
75. What is your financial responsibility in a marriage?
76. Do you support the idea of a working wife?
77. If so, how do you think a dual-income family should manage funds?
78. Do you currently use a budget to manage your finances?
79. Who are the people to whom you are financially responsible?
80. Do you support the idea of utilizing baby-sitters and maids?
81. Do you want to have children? If not, why?
82. To the best of your understanding, are you able to have children?
83. Do you want to have children in the first two years of marriage? If not, then when?
84. Do you believe in abortion in your family?
85. Do you have children now?
86. What is your relationship with your children, now?
87. What is your relationship with their parent, now?
88. What relationship do you expect your spouse to have with your children and their parent?
89. What is the best method of raising children?
90. What is the best method of disciplining children?
91. How were you raised?
92. How were you disciplined?
93. Do you believe in spanking children? Under what circumstances?
94. Do you believe in public schools for your children?
95. Do you believe in Islamic schools for your children?
96. Do you believe in home-schooling your children? If so, by whom?
97. What type of relationship should your children have with non-Muslim classmates and friends?
98. Would you send your children to visit their extended family if they lived in another state or country?
99. What type of relationship do you want your children to have with all of their grandparents?
100. If there are members of my family that are not Muslim, that are of a different culture or race, what type of relationship do you want to have with them?
101. Do you drink alcohol?
102. Do you smoke?
103. Do you take any narcotics?
104. Do you gamble or buy lottery?
105. Are you addicted to pornography?
106. Are you willing to make changes from any of your current lifestyle to be in line with Islam?
Istikharah (seeking Allah’s Counsel)
Jabir bin Abdullah (RA) said: The Prophet (SAW) used to teach us to seek Allah’s Counsel in all matters, as he used to teach us a Surah from the Qur’an. He would say: When anyone of you has an important matter to decide, let him pray two Rak’ahs other than the obligatory prayer, and then say:
“اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْتَخِيرُكَ بِعِلْمَكَ، وَأَسْتَقْدِرُكَ بِقُدْرَتِكَ، وَأَسْأَلُكَ مِنْ فَضْلِكَ الْعَظِيمِ، فَإِنَّكَ تَقْدِرُ وَلَا أَقْدِرُ، وَتَعْلَمُ، وَلَا أَعْلَمُ، وَأَنْتَ عَلَّامُ الْغُيُوبِ، اللَّهُمَّ إِنْ كُنْتَ تَعْلَمُ أَنَّ هَذَا الْأَمْرَ- خَيْرٌ لِي فِي دِينِي وَمَعَاشِي وَعَاقِبَةِ أَمْرِي- عَاجِلِهِ وَآجِلِهِ- فَاقْدُرْهُ لِي وَيَسِّرْهُ لِي ثُمَّ بَارِكْ لِي فِيهِ، وَإِنْ كُنْتَ تَعْلَمُ أَنَّ هَذَا الْأَمْرَ شَرٌّ لِي فِي دِينِي وَمَعَاشِي وَعَاقِبَةِ أَمْرِي- عَاجِلِهِ وَآجِلِهِ- فَاصْرِفْهُ عَنِّي وَاصْرِفْنِي عَنْهُ وَاقْدُرْ لِيَ الْخَيْرَ حَيْثُ كَانَ ثُمَّ أَرْضِنِي بِهِ”.
74. Allaahumma ‘innee ‘astakheeruka bi’ilmika, wa ‘astaqdiruka biqudratika, wa ‘as’aluka min fadhtikal-‘Adheemi, fa’innaka taqdiru wa laa ‘aqdiru, wa ta’lamu, wa laa ‘a’lamu, wa ‘Anta ‘Allaamul-Ghuyoobi, Allaahumma ‘in kunta ta’lamu ‘anna haathal-‘amra-[then mention the thing to be decided] Khayrun lee fee deenee wa ma’aashee wa ‘aaqibati ‘amree - [or say] ‘Aajilihi wa ‘aajilihi - Faqdurhu lee wa yassirhu lee thumma baarik lee feehi, wa ‘in kunta ta’lamu ‘anna haathal-‘amra sharrun lee fee deenee wa ma’aashee wa ‘aaqibati ‘amree - [or say] ‘Aajilihi wa ‘aajilihi - Fasrifhu ‘annee wasrifnee ‘anhu waqdur liyal-khayra haythu kaana thumma ‘ardhinee bihi.
O Allah, I seek the counsel of Your Knowledge, and I seek the help of Your Omnipotence, and I beseech You for Your Magnificent Grace. Surely, You are Capable and I am not. You know and I know not, and You are the Knower of the unseen. O Allah, if You know that this matter [then mention the thing to be decided] is good for me in my religion and in my life and for my welfare in the life to come, - [or say: in this life and the afterlife] - then ordain it for me and make it easy for me, then bless me in it. And if You know that this matter is bad for me in my religion and in my life and for my welfare in the life to come, - [or say: in this life and the afterlife] - then distance it from me, and distance me from it, and ordain for me what is good wherever it may be, and help me to be content with it.
Whoever seeks the counsel of the Creator will not regret it and whoever seeks the advice of the believers will feel confident about his decisions . Allah said in the Qur’an :
“And consult them in the affair. Then when you have taken a decision , put your trust in Allah.”
Reference: Al-Bukhari 7/162. and Aal-‘Imran 3:159.
CEREMONIES
As far as marriage is concerned, there are certain customs and traditions that Muslims observe in many Muslim countries and communities such as khitbah, nikah, rukhsati and walimah, et cetera.
What we are concerned about here is that Muslims should carry out such marriage-related customs according to the teachings of Islam and apply the teachings of Islam as explained in the Shari‘ah.
In Islam, marriage can take several steps:
1. Khitbah: This is engagement whereby the man and woman decide to get engaged to marry at their convenient time. During this time, they and their families try to know each other. During the time of engagement, the couple is not married and they are not allowed to be alone with each other. It is forbidden for them to have intimate relations during this time. The parties can break the engagement without going through the process of divorce or talaq. They should return the engagement ring and other gifts, but this can be waived if there is mutual agreement and understanding.
2. Nikah: This is a formal, official and legal marriage. The nikah is performed by the Imam, the official religious authority, or any recognized person. It requires the presence of at least two witnesses, the mahr or the marital gift from the groom to his bride, the khutbah (sermon) of nikah to join the couple together in the Name of Allah.
After nikah, the couple becomes husband and wife. In case they want to break they have to have proper procedure of divorce or talaq. If the groom divorces, he has to pay the half of the mahr and return any gifts that he received from the bride’s family unless they do not want him to do so. There might be other marriage expenses and matters that they have to resolve with mutual agreement or through legal proceedings. The bride does not have to observe any ‘iddah or post-divorce waiting period if the marriage was not consummated.
3. Rukhsati: Literally it means “sending off”. This term is used in Indio-Pakistan area. In Shari‘ah, it is called “zifaf”. In Arab countries, it is commonly called “dukhul” or “dukhlah”. It means the consummation of marriage. Now, the spouses can be alone and can have their intimate conjugal relations. Rukhsati takes place after the nikah. After rukhsati, the spouses begin living together as husband and wife. In most cases the rukhsati takes place within a few hours after nikah, but sometimes families postpone the consummation of marriage or rukhsati for a later time. They may do it for various social or personal reasons. Sometimes, the consummation is delayed because the family wants to have a big party to invite many relatives and friends to celebrate their marriage. Sometimes, the couple decide to delay consummation because one or both spouses want to finish their studies or would like to make better arrangement for their residence, et cetera. There could be many reasons for the postponement of consummation and it could be for few months or years. This is permissible in Islam.
4. Walimah: This is a special feast to which the groom and his family invite their relatives and friends as well as the bride’s family and friends and they celebrate the marriage. Walimah is a Prophetic Sunnah that is highly recommended. It is a kind of formal announcement of the formation of this new family. In various countries, Muslims have different customs of walimah. It is not required to have the walimah after rukhsati. It can be done before rukhsati or at the time of rukhsati.
In some Muslim countries and communities there are some other customs, but these four are the most common Muslim traditions in marriage.
MANNERS ON WEDDING NIGHT
The Qur'an emphasizes the spiritual objectives of marriage, making them the foundations of marital life. These objectives are realized in the peace of mind which comes through wholesome sexual experience with the spouse whom one loves, in the enlargement of the circle of love and affection between the two families united through marriage, and in the nurturing of affection and tenderness among the children under the loving care of their parents. These are the objectives mentioned by Allah in the verse that reads: (And among His signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell with them in tranquility, and He has put love and mercy between you. Indeed, in this are signs for those who reflect.) (Ar-Rum 30:21)
At the same time, the Qur'an does not neglect the sensual aspect and the physical relationship between husband and wife. It guides human beings to the best path, fulfilling the demands of the sexual urge while avoiding harmful or deviant practices. It should be noted also that making love to one’s wife on the wedding night does not differ from lovemaking at any other time save in the sense that being the first time together, it is given special care and cautiousness. The Sunnah of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) offers us the best guidance in this very special night.
Focusing on this issue, we would like to quote the following from The Kuwaiti Encyclopedia of Islamic Jurisprudence. It reads:
Muslim jurists are of the view that on their first time together on the wedding night a Muslim groom is recommended to place his hand on the bride’s forehead and seek Allah’s blessing for them both. This is based on the hadith of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) that reads: “When one of you marries a woman or buys a servant (this was before the abolition of slavery), let him say ‘O Allah! I seek from You her good and the good You created in her; and I seek refuge in You from her evil and the evil You created in her.’”
It is also a Sunnah to offer two rak`ahs (prayer units) in which the husband leads his wife. This is a sign of showing obedience and submission to Allah when they are still on the threshold of their new family life. Also, a husband is recommended to offer his wife something to drink after having some sips of the same glass. On making love to his wife for the first time, a Muslim husband should say: “O Allah! Keep Satan away from us and keep him away from any offspring You may bless us with.”
It is also worth mentioning here that it is prohibited 1. to do intercourse during her period until she becomes clean 2. to do intercourse from the back passage
SPOUSAL RIGHTS AND DUTIES
First of all, we’d like to state that in Islam the marriage of a man and a woman is not just a financial and physical arrangement of living together but a sacred contract, a gift of God, to lead a happy, enjoyable life and continue the lineage. The main goal of marriage in Islam is the realization of tranquility and compassions between the spouses. For the attainment of this supreme goal, Islam defined certain duties and rights for the husband and wife.
For a detailed account of these mutual duties and rights, we’d like to cite the following:
“Piety is the basis of choosing the life partner. Many are the statements of the Qur’an and the Sunnah that prescribe kindness and equity, compassion and love, sympathy and consideration, patience and good will. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, says, “The best Muslim is the one who is best to his family.” Also, he says, “… and the most blessed joy in life is a good, righteous wife.” (Reported by At-Tirmidhi)
The role of the husband evolves around the moral principle that it is his solemn duty to Allah to treat his wife with kindness, honor, and patience; to keep her honorably or free her from the marital bond honorably; and to cause her no harm or grief. Allah Almighty says: “…consort with them in kindness, for if ye hate them it may happen that ye hate a thing wherein Allah hath placed much good.” (An-Nisa’: 19)
The role of the wife is summarized in the verse that women have rights even as they have duties, according to what is equitable; but men have a degree over them. Allah Almighty says, “And they (women) have rights similar to those (of men) over them in kindness, and men are a degree above them. Allah is Mighty, Wise.” (Al-Baqaraqh: 228)
This degree is usually interpreted by Muslim scholars in conjunction with another passage which states, among other things, that men are trustees, guardians, and protectors of women because Allah has made some of them excel others and because men expend of their means. Allah Almighty says: “Men are in charge of women, because Allah hath men the one of them to excel the other, and because they spend of their property (for the support of women). So good women are the obedient, guarding in secret that which Allah hath guarded. As for those from whom ye fear rebellion, admonish them and banish them to beds apart, and scourge them. Then if they obey you, seek not a way against them. Lo! Allah is ever High Exalted, Great.” (An-Nisa’: 34)
A. The Wife’s Rights; The Husband’s Obligations:
Because the Qur’an and the Sunnah of the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, have commanded kindness to women, it is the husband’s duty to:
1. Consort with his wife in an equitable and kind manner. Allah Almighty says, “… and consort with them in kindness.” (An-Nisa’: 19)
2. Have responsibility for the full maintenance of the wife, a duty which he must discharge cheerfully, without reproach, injury, or condescendence. Allah Almighty says: “Let him who hath abundance spend of his abundance, and he whose provision is measured, let him spend of that which Allah hath given him. Allah asketh naught of any soul save that which He hath given it. Allah will vouchsafe, after hardship, ease.” (At-Talaq: 7)
Components of Maintenance:
Maintenance entails the wife’s incontestable right to lodging, clothing, nourishing, and general care and well-being.
1. The wife’s residence must be adequate so as to provide her with the reasonable level of privacy, comfort, and independence. The welfare of the wife and the stability of the marriage should be the ultimate goal.
2. What is true of the residence is true of clothing, food, and general care. The wife has the right to be clothed, fed, and cared for by the husband, in accordance with his means and her style of life. These rights are to be exercised without extravagance or miserliness.
Non-Material Rights:
A husband is commanded by the law of God to:
1. Treat his wife with equity.
2. Respect her feelings, and to show her kindness and consideration.
3. Not to show his wife any aversion or to subject her to suspense or uncertainty.
4. Not to keep his wife with the intention of inflicting harm on her or hindering her freedom.
5. Let her demand freedom from the marital bond, if he has no love or sympathy for her.
B. The Wife’s Obligations; The Husband’s Rights:
The main obligation of the wife as a partner in a marital relationship is to contribute to the success and blissfulness of the marriage as much as possible. She must be attentive to the comfort and well-being of her mate. She may neither offend him nor hurt his feelings. Perhaps nothing can illustrate the point better than the Qur’anic statement which describes the righteous people as those who pray saying: “Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the joy and the comfort of our eyes, and guide us to be models of righteousness.” (Al-Furqan: 74)
This is the basis on which all the wife’s obligations rest and from which they flow. To fulfill this basic obligation:
1. The wife must be faithful, trustworthy, and honest.
2. She must not deceive her mate by deliberately avoiding conception lest it deprive him of legitimate progeny.
3. She must not allow any other person to have access to that which is exclusively the husband’s right, i.e. sexual intimacy.
4. She must not receive anyone in his home whom the husband does not like.
5. She may not accept their gifts without his approval. This is probably meant to avoid jealousy, suspicion, gossip, etc., and also to maintain the integrity of all parties concerned.
6. The husband’s possessions are her trust. If she has access to any portion thereof, or if she is entrusted with any fund, she must discharge her duty wisely and thriftily. She may not lend or dispose of any of his belongings without his permission.
7. With respect to intimacy, the wife is to make herself desirable; to be attractive, responsive, and cooperative.
8. A wife may not deny herself to her husband, for the Qur’an speaks of them as a comfort to each other. Due consideration is, of course, given to health and decency.
9. Moreover, the wife is not permitted to do anything that may render her companionship less desirable or less gratifying. If she neglects herself, the husband has the right to interfere with her freedom to rectify the situation and insure maximum self-fulfillment for both partners. She is not permitted to do anything on his part that may impede her gratification.
HOW TO RESOLVE CONFLICTS
Islam calls for good treatment between all people specially husband and wife. Before anything else, marriage is based on mercy and love. Should there be any difference between the wife and her husband, they should try their best to solve it at home. In case they need the advice of a third party, they should try contacting their parents or close relatives who are known and trusted in terms of their wisdom and desire to keep the family together. But what happens when the husband and wife are living in a non-Muslim society? To whom should they resort for help and advice?
The essence of the Muslim society is that it is based on solidarity in all aspects of life. The strong lends a hand to the weak, scholars teach the ignorant, etc. The Prophet (peace and blessings upon him) is reported to have said: "Help your brother whether he is the oppressed or the oppressor.” The Companions said: "O Prophet! We understand that we should help the oppressed, but how can we help the oppressor?" The Prophet responded: "It is done by preventing him from committing oppression and that is how you may really help him."
In case of family dissension, when the husband and wife fail to solve their differences amicably, it is up to the Muslim community to intervene and appoint two arbitrators known for their good character and knowledge of Islam, to try to reconcile the differences between the husband and wife by all possible means. If the two arbitrators find no option but to separate them, this verdict is upheld as it was done during the days of the Companions (may Allah be pleased with them). In the interpretation of the verse in surat An-Nisaa', Allah addresses the Muslim community: (In case you fear discord between the two, then send forth a judge from his family and a judge from her family, in case they (both) are willing to (reconcile) act righteously, Allah will cause them to reach an agreement between them (two) (An-Nisaa' 4: 35)
If the couple is living in a non-Muslim country, it is the duty of the local Muslim community to form a council of three members for arbitration and reconciliation. These men should be known for their fairness, good character, religiousness, trustworthiness and knowledge of Islam. The problem should be put forward to them and it is up to this council to set the rules that should be made binding. The council should have the support of the whole community. At-Tirmidhi reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: "Allah is with the group (i.e. supports them) and whoever deviates, he deviates (i.e. leaves the group of Muslims or abandons them) in Hell.”
If they fail to bring the couple together after sincere effort they should advise a separation that is amicable, gracious and tolerant, as commanded by Allah. Yet, it should be born in mind that the most detestable lawful act in the sight of Allah is divorce, but sometimes it is necessary to resort to it.